The feelings I felt and the words I didn't speak... during the 100 days and nights I stayed by my parents altar...
When my dad passed away December 8th 2020, we were in lock down (UK). I stayed at the family home with my mum, sister, brother, niece and nephew and we mourned together. We had to burn incense continuously around the clock until the funeral day which took place 4 weeks after my dads death. After the funeral we no longer needed to burn incense. But we wanted to show filial piety by continuing to burn incense and offer 3 meals a day at my dads altar. I remember at that time keeping strong for my mum and not letting her see me cry. After the 49 days of rituals, I continued to stay with my mum for the 100 days (until March 2020).
After the 100 days I packed some of my dads clothing for my memory box and went back to my own home. But I continued to visit and stay at my mum's house every weekend.
My siblings and I have always talked about how we would care for my parents when they got older, but never did we expect to lose our dad so young. He was only 65.
Spiritual Awakening
It was the first time in my life that the thought of death really scared me. I started to read about Taoism, Buddhism, human existence and life after death.
Spiritual awakening is a journey and losing my dad started mine. I started to read and understand the Taoist and Buddhist views of the life cycle.
Glimpsing: The call to adventure
Closer examination: Choosing a path
Seeking: Following the path
Loss of sight: Losing the path
Seeing: Merging with the path
Since my dads passing, it changed me as a person, it changed how I felt about the world and it changed how I lived my life. Things that used to bother me no longer bothered me, and I started to live a calmer life and accepted everything. I looked forward to my weekends spending time with my mum. When my dad passed away, we were able to say our last goodbyes and his last wishes were for us to look after mum and look after each other.
It wasn't just about me and how I felt, I always wondered how my mum felt. Since my dads passing she could only sleep with the lights on, she would always call me to ask when I was visiting next even though she knew I was coming over on Fridays. She would sometimes call me on a weekday to tell me she was feeling lonely because my brother and the kids were not home. Back then I didn't know how lonely she really felt.
My mum had also changed. I remember her telling me that she wants to enjoy the rest of her life, be happy and healthy. We even talked about a family trip to Japan once the restrictions eased.
I knew what I had to do, I was following my path accepting fate that we cannot stop when our time is up; I was spending time with my mum repaying the love she always gave to me and trying to make her smile. But I lost sight of my path when I lost my mum on 1st November 2021.
Filial Piety
In Confucian, Chinese Buddhist and Taoist ethics, filial piety is a virtue of respect for one's parents, elders, and ancestors. This is something I lived by
When my mum passed away, I was lost. I lost my purpose of life; I loved my parents so much, I did everything to try make them happy and proud. The pain in my heart, the pain in my blood, the pain in my bones, I could just die right now; I had nothing else to live for, nothing else mattered anymore... this is how I truly felt. But all parents would want for their children to live a long happy life.
During the 100 days of mourning I had mixed emotions; a lot of them I did not share with anyone, not even with my siblings.
Angry
-Angry that we didn't check on mum earlier; if we had noticed her condition a day earlier or found her unconscious earlier would things have changed?
-Angry at peoples attitude towards Covid-19. My mum died from it, what else do those around us need to believe its deadly?
-Angry that I am not the Eldest Son: I am the one that knows all the rituals/dates/customs but the ancestral altar is kept by the eldest son. If the ancestral altar was in my home I would burn incense every single day. It was more of a selfish feeling as I feel that this is the only way I am able to cope with my parents passing by continuing to remember and honor them.
-Angry at the path that was given to my parents. It was so cruel that life was taken from them so young.
-Angry that mum passed away on the one weekend I couldn't stay over with her because she was self isolating.
Annoyed
-Annoyed by people laughing. During the 100 days of mourning, we should be respectfully mourning my parents but the laughing I could hear in the next room in the house would annoy me. I was feeling selfish and only thought about my own feelings.
-Annoyed that after my mums funeral it seemed like everyone around me was getting on with life like nothing happened; even though I know this was not the case it just seemed that way because I was the only one still mourning at the family home offering 3 meals a day and incense- because I could. It was a selfish feeling that I had now and then even though I know everyone around me was also in pain and they were all coping in their own ways. I remember after the funeral I had an outburst and mentioned how I don't know how I will live going forward.. and how my siblings had a family and children of their own so they could focus on their own families. My siblings had a "distraction" during this mourning period, but I didn't.
-Annoyed when others would served food at my parents altar and light incense whilst they were talking on the phone and being distracted. I would constantly think if my parents were alive they would not tolerate this and that.
Lonely
-After 60 days, my second youngest sister went back to her own home. She had to go back to work. I felt really lonely. Every morning I'd get up and make breakfast for my parents altar and light incense before I start work (work from home). Then at Lunch time I'd do the same. The house was silent, with just the sound of the Buddhist chant I had playing by the altar.
-I found it hard to talk to anyone. I have really good friends checking in on me but I felt lonely. When I was talking to people who knew what I was going through, it felt like they couldn't laugh because of me, and when I was talking to people who didn't know what I was going through, I couldn't laugh with them. So in the end I spoke to people who had also lost their parents, but even then I felt out of place, we have to figure it out on our own. Nothing makes it better.
-I felt that sometimes I was the only one always putting 100% (maybe I was being extra, maybe I was being delusional?) in when preparing food for my parents altar; making sure the cup handle was facing the correct way, the chopsticks correctly placed, I even unlocked my parents mobile phones and placed them on the altar during meal times so that they could use their phones. After all, they prepared meals for us 3 times a day from birth until adulthood. We are only repaying 1% by preparing them food for 100 days. I wanted to do this properly but felt lonely and sad that maybe I was the only one feeling this way? To be honest I didn't really talk about my feelings during the mourning period. It was quiet.
Sorry
-I felt so sorry for my mum. She didn't know she was dying. She didn't even get to say her last goodbye, she didn't get to give us a last hug or kiss. She didn't even tell us her wishes.
-Sorry that we wasn't there with my mum before she lost consciousness. Was she in pain? was she sad? was she scared? ...is something always playing on my mind.
-Sorry that we couldn't keep the promise to my dad to look after mum. It hadn't even been a year since dad passed away and now mum too.
-Sorry to my mum that she couldn't be here for my dads 1 year death anniversary. After 1 year of mourning, we had to ascend my dad to the ancestral altar meaning my dad will now become an ancestor and share the same incense pot as my ancestors. Mum felt like it was her duty to make sure this happened so it was always on the back of her mind to have this done properly, but 1 month before my dads ascension my mum passed away. This means that my dad will have to wait another year and get ascended with my mum together end of 2022.
Sad
Sad that I will never see my parents again in this life
Sad that I will no longer hear my parents laugh and joke anymore
Sad that I will no longer get to spoil them with gifts
Sad that I will no longer get to hold their hands or link arms
Sad that I will no longer be able to travel around the world with them and create memories
Sad that they can't watch their beloved grandchildren grow up
Sad that I no longer get any messages or calls from mum and dad anymore.
Regret
The day before my mum passed away on the Sunday 31st October, it was around 7:30pm when I looked at my phone whilst having a slice of pizza. I was wondering why my mum hadn't messaged me as she usually messages me on Sundays. I regret not calling her then. I later came to find out that the last message she sent to her friend was around that time to tell her friend she wasn't feeling well and going to sleep.
Happy
Happy and grateful for my siblings. We all helped each other through the mourning period and we all did the best we could given the circumstances.
When I look back at our childhood and the bond we share as a family. Nothing compares to the happiness we had. We had the best childhood, and the bond we have as a family can never be broken. When we became adults we gave our parents all the happiness and love they gave us and we couldn't have loved each other anymore than we did.
My big sister took home all the old VHS and converted them to digital copies, it was really nice seeing clips we had not seen before. All the happy memories we shared. My sister also took all the photo albums home and re-organised all the photos in date order and started scanning them in so we could all have digital copies. We can't wait to watch the videos and view the photos.
Spiritual Awakening continued...
I started looking up long term monastery stays. I was ready to commit my life to Buddhism, to live the rest of my life praying for my parents. To help them gain merits, to prove to the higher ups that they were good parents and deserve a good afterlife judgement.
Since my dads passing I started having dreams of out of body experiences. In the dreams I knew it was happening but every time in the dream I knew I had to go back into my body to live and so I did. I started having them again shortly after my mum passed away.
I became more interested in Chinese customs, traditions and have been spending a lot of time reading and teaching my findings to the rest of my family. I have spent a fair amount of time during this period speaking with my relatives talking about how with the next generations, traditions are slowly fading away.
Even though I have my bad days, I have a sense of peace understanding this endless cycle of rebirth and that our paths are set out.
Fitting back into society
It was a strange feeling being at the gym, surrounded by so many people I felt anxious... I wasn't ready.
On the 4th January 2022, I went back to the gym, surrounded by so many people and so much noise, I began to feel dizzy. I put my ear phones in and did an hour workout.. as I left the gym it was pitch black outside, it was quiet as I walked along the sidewalk home, all I could hear was my own breath. It felt lonely but peaceful as tears ran down my cheeks. "I miss my parents"
Every time I pop out to the shops for groceries I have been feeling anxious, hoping I don't bump into anyone I know.. I just wouldn't know what to say or what to talk about anymore. I am usually very sociable but lately I have been feeling like a hermit and want to be alone.
Blood is thicker than water, but water makes up 90% of our blood... we need friends as much as we do family
Losing my parents has changed me, I am no longer the social butterfly I once was. I want to shut myself off, and live in peace. There is too much emotions in this world, its a noisy place. Noise gives me headache and I can't think. What is my next path...
I have been really rubbish at keeping in touch with friends during this 100 days of mourning, but I have been blessed with really great friends who understand and support me.. I hope one day I will be able to be myself again...
Back in the office
The work from home rules had been relaxed and my company needed us back in the office two days a week (Tuesday/Wednesdays) for me from February 2022. But there was just under two weeks left until 100 days. I expressed my concerns with my family but in the end I had to take half day leave on those days to make it work. I would serve my parents breakfast at the altar at 6am and leave at 7am once the incense had finished burning. I'd then work from 8am-12pm and get home by 1pm to serve lunch followed by dinner. I am a morning person so it wasn't an issue for me to wake up at 5:30am, my parents never ever once complained they were tired so why should I. I wish I could do more for them.
Mums Birthday
I start the morning with an English breakfast for mum and dad then in the afternoon I prepared a birthday platter and food and met my siblings at the cemetery. We offered prayers. incense and joss offerings and then enjoyed a cake together. In the evening I prepare a similar birthday meal at the altar along with mums favourite mango smoothie.
Dads Birthday
Mum and dads Birthday's are very close together and so I prepare a seafood feast for dad at the cemetery and met my siblings at the cemetery. Just like mums Birthday we offered our prayers, incense, joss offerings finishing with enjoying some cake together, the Rainbow then appeared :). Again I prepared a seafood feast for the altar dinner.
Chinese New Year
Another Chinese new year where our family are in mourning. I had created a blog post last CNY "Chinese New Year in the UK" as I didn't want to lose the traditions and customs we had to follow. So I referred back to my post to prepare for Chinese New Year this year.
To be honest I was feeling really sad; I have sent various posts from this blog to my siblings but none of them read my posts. Maybe one day when I am no longer here they will read it then. It feels like they rely on me to tell them what we need to do as it's easier to let someone else do it and tell you what to do than learn it yourself.
100 days
As we prepare a feast for my mum; she would be attending her 8th court today.
It seems like I only see my siblings when we go to the cemetery... Is this how it will be going forward? without mum and dad here, will we lose that family bond?
Everyone is so busy with their lives, it's hard to sit back and think about life passing us by...
We all get together today and help prepare the offerings for the day, teaching my niece and nephew how to fold the joss money. We light the incense at the front door and call for mum to come home for a meal and then burning the joss offerings just before the red candles burn out. It's always nice spending time with my family.. I hope we continue to catch up more.
During these 100 days and nights, a total of 1,764 incense were burned, 900 meals offered and over 2,400 hours of white candles.
I had been sleeping on the sofa in the living room by my parents altar for 100 days and today I will move back to my own home.
I hope by showing my commitment and dedication during this mourning period that the Gods will see my filial piety which proves that my parents deserve the best judgment in their afterlife. I wish I could do more for them...
If I had one wish... I wish that we'd meet in my next life as them being my parents again. I'd give them all the love I did in this life all over again.
Until we meet again I promise to live a happy life Mum and Dad xxx
