My fathers battle with Cancer

A journal of dads 6 weeks losing battle to Cancer and how it changed my life.

Monday 26th October 2020

I was doing my regular fortnightly visit to my parents dropping off some supplies. I made some dinner for dad and that's when I noticed something wasn't quite right...

It was around 6pm when I heated up some congee for dad. He sat up from the sofa and took a spoonful. Before I knew it he had vomited it back up. "Dad are you okay?" I asked. That's when he looked at me and said "I haven't been able to eat for 2 weeks". Confused and concerned I replied "what do you mean? are you not feeling well?". I thought maybe he had caught a stomach bug so I went into the kitchen and poured dad a glass of water. Dad took a sip and within a few seconds it came back up."How many days have you not been able to drink water?" I asked. "Two days" dad replied looking tired.

Dad isn't one to complain of aches and pains, nor is he a fan of visiting the doctors. My mum thought he had caught a bug and needed rest but didn't realise he actually wasn't, or COULDN'T should I say eat or drink anything.

My father always had a slim build but at that moment I realised he was looking noticeably thinner. "That's it, we are taking you into A&E" I said to my dad.

As I was helping dad put his coat on, he turned to me and wrapped his left hand around his right wrist and with the saddest voice said to me "Khenh... look.... dad's lost so much weight". My heart sank! "It's okay dad, we will get you to the hospital and get you some medicine, everything will be alright" i calmly said to reassure my dad.

We all know our own bodies best, so Dad must have known he would likely be admitted into hospital for some time and so he wanted to take some essentials with him....his phone charger and earphones! (It makes me smile thinking back at this moment when we were all panicking to get dad ready for the hospital but all he wanted was his phone and kept asking me if I had packed his phone charger)

As he tried to stand up he had a dizzy spell and sat back down, clearly he had no energy. My brother and I walked dad slowly to the car and It suddenly dawned on me that he was not the young man he once was. His hair all grey, his gaunt face and thin build.

We got to A&E at about 6:30pm, and I signed dad in but due to the covid restrictions I was not allowed in with dad. I put dad in a wheelchair and the nurse took my dad into the waiting area.

I remember having to sit outside of the hospital in the waiting area and it was absolutely freezing. I had no money on me so couldn't buy myself anything to eat or drink and so my best friend came to my rescue with some packed lunch, and we found a spot inside the hospital where we patiently waited for hours for my dad to be seen. The doctor updated me that they had tried to feed my dad some water but he couldn't keep it down so they would have to keep him in for a few days to run more scans and tests, plus he was severely malnourished and needed to be fed via a drip. It must have been around 1am now; I called my dad and told him that he had to stay a few days to run more tests and that I would be back the next day "Oh, you are still here?... ok ok... go home first get some rest, Dad will be okay" he replied.

25 days in Hospital (4 weeks)

When the nurse asked me if my dad had a phone to contact me on I replied "yes....... but he probably has no credit" turning my head slowly to my friend I instantly regretted exposing that to the nurse and I was so embarrassed, who doesn't have a contract these days? my friend and I couldn't stop laughing

Day 1: Tue 27th Oct 2020 The hospital called me at 10:22am and told me that blood tests were normal but dad was still unable to eat or drink so is scheduled for a CT scan and is likely to be in for a number of days.

The hospital had wifi but I wasn't sure on how good the connection was so the first thing I did was I went to EE and purchased a wifi dongle. I know all hell would break loose if dad wasn't able to stream videos and call his friends.

I dropped off the dongle outside the ward for my dad and had a quick video call before I went home. Dad was in good spirits and told me he was feeling better and that he was being fed some orange juice through a drip and was given some anti sickness medicine to stop the nausea.

Day 2: Wed 28th Oct 2020 Dad was still in good spirits, he had his own private room and CT scan scheduled for the afternoon

Day 3: Thu 29th Oct 2020 I called the ward and spoke to the doctor. Scan results showed a worrying number of lumps around the bowel and a large lump in the chest which blocks the food pipe resulting in unable to swallow. So they were arranging for a biopsy and was told it is likely cancer. I was already prepared for this but was staying optimistic.

In the meantime they were still feeding dad via drip directly to the blood but will need to start feeding him via tube to the stomach which they would have to do slowly and carefully as the stomach will need to get used to food again. Unable to say how long dad would be in hospital for- depends on results of biopsy.

My dad was crushed after hearing about the lumps and he didn't want to talk to anyone. My mum was really worried as dad was not picking up her calls. At this moment we chose not to say anything to my mum yet.

Day 4: Fri 30th Oct 2020 Nothing new to update and again dad was not picking up calls.

Day 5: Sat 31sth Oct 2020 Today dad was feeling good, they took out all the needles from his arms so he could freely walk around his ward and was calling all of his friends and family on wechat. I spoke to dad in the afternoon and his spirits were high, and was showing me the view from his room window. He told me he had regained his energy and could run around if he wanted to. It was nice to hear my dad was back to his cheery self.

Day 6: Sun 1st Nov 2020 Dad was moved to a shared room last night; sharing with 3 other patients, he doesn't have a window bed anymore but said it is less lonely sharing with 3 others. He is feeling good but said he has lost 7kg. He is still being fed through a drip and taking daily blood tests. Keeping busy using his phone and speaking with friends and family daily. Doctor advised to not take his current meds (for COPD) that I dropped off for him on Tuesday as he can't swallow, but also because they are monitoring dads health closely so watching solid and liquid intake

Day 7: Mon 2nd Nov 2020 I spoke with the doctor and they have sent dads results off to the Upper GI consultants to discuss next steps.

Dad had been given nicotine patches during his stay at the hospital and he said he was doing fine and was not craving for a smoke. Which is a good thing as my dad has been smoking all his life.

Day 8: Tue 3rd Nov 2020 Dad starting to feel tired again

Day 9: Wed 4th Nov 2020 Dad starting to feel nauseous again and looking exhausted. They tried to fit in a NG tube from the nose to the stomach down the esophagus to be able to feed dad but it was too uncomfortable for dad so they removed it.

Day 10: Thu 5th Nov 2020 The hospital had another go at fitting in the nasigastric NG feeding tube. I think dad knew how important it was to have this so even though it was uncomfortable, he kept a brave face on as we all watched fireworks from our own windows as it was bonfire night.

Day 11: Fri 6th Nov 2020 Doctor called me to give me an update. The tissue samples came back yesterday and confirmed that dad has Esophageal cancer (Suqamous cell cancer), a cancer that's found in the esophagus/food pipe. This is an invasive cancer meaning the cancer cells have broken out of the lobule where they began and have the potential to spread to the lymph nodes and other areas of the body. They currently do not know what stage the cancer is at and have sent dads medical file to Guys & St Thomas for the specialists to review on Monday/Tuesday 9/10th November 2020. The medical team at Guys & St Thomas will decide on the best treatment plan- whether dad gets Chemo or Radiotherapy. They will then decide when dad can start the treatment and will undergo treatment at Guys & St Thomas hospital.

The outlook of any cancer is not good, but dad is feeling well and was seen by the dietitian today to discuss new meal plan and had a weigh in at 45.1kg

Despite the news, dad seemed to be in good spirits and showed us around his ward (via video call) and even had one of the other patients wave hello to us.

Day 12: Sat 7th Nov 2020 Dad starting to eat solids again through the feeding tube and feeling good he even asked me to drop off a few more items for him at the hospital

Day 13: Sun 8th Nov 2020 I dropped off some items for dad at the ward reception and spoke to him via phone, he was still throwing up even though he was on anti sickness meds.

Day 14: Mon 9th Nov 2020 The hospital called and told me that they had planned for a colonoscopy but cancelled this as dads health was still poorly. They still haven't confirmed the stage of the cancer but was told it was advance. They are also planning on putting a stent in to replace the feeding tube so dad will be able to eat on his own.

Day 15: Tue 10th Nov 2020 More tests. When I spoke to dad he was waiting for his x-ray to check if there is any bowel obstruction that would interfere with the anti-sickness medicines they have put him on.

Day 16: Wed 11th Nov 2020 I got a call from the hospitals Macmillan cancer support team. Geraldine, she was really nice and very helpful. She was checking in on my dad daily and updating me. As I mentioned, dad rarely complains of any aches and pains, but I had to remind him to be totally honest with the nurse and doctors, as they only want him to get better so need to prescribe him on the correct level of pain killers.

Day 17: Thu 12th Nov 2020 Dad had his NG tube changed as it was leaking.

Day 18: Fri 13th Nov 2020 It had to be Friday 13th of all days for dads full diagnosis. Guys hospital had the Multidisciplinary Meeting yesterday (MDM) and have agreed that dad will start 1st stage chemotherapy in the next two weeks as an outpatient at Guys Hospital (One adult should be allowed to accompany dad to the treatments). Dads esophageal cancer is at Stage T4B (stage 4), N2 (reached two nearby nodes), M1 (reached one major organ- very likely the Colon, which is why it would be futile for dad to undergo a colonoscopy that he was waiting for) .

I called mum to tell her the bad news and even though she was prepared she was absolutely heart broken.

Dad had his stent put in today

Day 19: Sat 14th Nov 2020 Spoke briefly as dad was getting an ECG (An electrocardiogram (ECG or EKG) is a test that checks how your heart is functioning by measuring the electrical activity of the heart. With each heart beat, an electrical impulse (or wave) travels through your heart. This wave causes the muscle to squeeze and pump blood from the heart).

Dad still not allowed to eat yet as it hasn't been 24hours since fitting the stent but has been able to drink water and juice.

Day 20: Sun 15th Nov 2020 Dad was happy to be able to eat again even though he could only eat soft foods. My dad laughed and called it "baby food"

Day 21: Mon 16th Nov 2020 Dad developed a chest infection from the stent so was put on some painkillers and was also finding it difficult to breathe.

Day 22: Tue 17th Nov 2020 Dad was really desperate to come home now but because he had been prescribed some antibiotics, they were unable to discharge him until he finished the course. Today dad had chicken soup and said it was super tasty.

Day 23: Wed 18th Nov 2020 Unfortunately dads chest infection was getting worse so they needed to keep him in for a few more days to run further tests.

Day 24: Thu 19th Nov 2020 Good news, dad will be discharged tomorrow. I called dad to tell him the good news that I will be able to see him tomorrow. Dad was super excited to be going home.

Day 25: Fri 20th Nov 2020 It was 2pm as I arrived at the ward, excited and desperate to see dad again. They set up a small private room where I eagerly waited for dad, he came through the door and we were both overfilled with joy, I sat dad down , took a quick selfie to share with the family and wrapped him in my coat as he was only wearing his hospital gown. He looked healthier than when he was first admitted to hospital but he was still very thin. We had arranged for a translator as I felt there were things I didn't know how to tell dad. So this was dads chance to ask any questions he may have. Up until this point we were not sure how much my dad understood what was happening. Dad had no questions after the translator explained to dad he had advanced cancer and needed chemo, his face dropped as it all started to sink in on how advance his cancer. I can't explain nor can I even start to imagine what he was feeling. But I held onto dads hand and just hoped that he would not feel alone.

After our meeting with the doctors we went back to dads bed and waited a few of hours for his medicines to be made up before being discharged. It was during these few hours I realised how lonely it had been in hospital.

It was quiet, all you could hear was the sound of your own breathing and the medical machines "beep... beep.... beep...", even I couldn't wait to get out of there and I had only been there a few hours.

We met with the physio and tested dads ability to climb stairs independently which he could and finally by 7pm dad was discharged.

Week 5

A few days before dad was discharged, I decided to move back in with my parents to care for Dad. I packed my nutribullet blender, and stocked up on healthy foods ready to be dads full time carer and nutritionist.

Soft Diet: Dad was a a number of medications that he had to take up to 4 times a day and he had also been prescribed a fortified milk to help with weight gain. My dad had always been a big foodie, so the sudden change to a soft diet must have been really hard for him. There was no saying how long he would be on the soft diet for as he had only had the stent put in and couldn't risk of any food getting stuck. I had to feed dad his medicine at 9am, 12pm, 3pm, 6pm and 9pm. Dad was feeling really frustrated with all the medication when he asked me "how long do I have to keep taking all this medicine for?".

I tried various smoothies and soups; dad especially liked the tomato and herb soup. He wasn't a fan of the morning green protein smoothies though. He also finds the fortisip too sweet so I had to find ways of putting this into his food. I had a few service carer bells installed around the home for my dad which he would use if he needed to call us when we were not in the same room. It was really funny when he used it for the first time and my mum running into the room "get me some water" my dad asked even though he was perfectly capable to get up and get his own water. It was like she was his servant. We all laughed about it, and my dad was liking this. He was sick but still found ways to make us laugh.

Too frail for Chemotherapy: On Wed 25th November 2020, my sister took dad to his appointment where they had a Cantonese translator. Dad had one question "So I can't have surgery?", When he was told no his heart sank, Dad was then told he is also too underweight and frail to have chemotherapy. His world must have collapsed at this point, knowing the severity of his health and that there was nothing the doctors could do to help prolong his life... it was the lowest point in dad's and all of our lives.

The oncologist said they will review dad again in two weeks (phone appointment as they could see dad is very frail so didn't want to hassle him to come to the hospital just for another chat). Dad was deflated that day but was determined to eat more, gain weight, and try for chemo. He was really brave.

Sleepless nights: My brother and I would stay awake until dad was ready for bed (which was really late as my dads usually a night owl), we would then watch him go upstairs and get into bed before we would go to bed. Dad was really frail and we didn't want to risk any falls when using the stairs. It really took a toll on my brother and I as we were both caring for dad around the clock. Dad had his good and bad days, one moment he is happy laughing and talking to friends on the phone, the next we catch him day dreaming and staring out the window which he rarely does. What was dad thinking? what was going through his mind, we can only start to imagine. We didn't know how to or if we should talk to dad about what he is going through. It broke our hearts to see my dads health deteriorate. We felt helpless.

Determined to get mum a TV: I was watching TV with my dad one evening when he asked me to take his wallet and buy mum a new smart TV, he also told me how much he had and that I could buy stuff with it (This was his way of telling me to handle his assets)

I didn't think much of it at the time.

Fed up of soup: I knew it was only a matter of time when Dad would miss his usual diet. Dad requested we cook him stews or rice noodle soups. We didn't want to deprive him of eating what he wanted in the unknown time he had left with us (doctors said 6-8months but we know this can and vary) I guess stews and rice noodle soups are softish?

Turn for the worse: on Friday 27th November 2020 6:20pm we were having dinner, laughing and joking watching old home videos when dad suddenly threw up his dinner. We all got really worried and I think dad thought that his time was up, we all thought it. He kept asking me if I had bought mum the TV yet which I hadn't. He went on to vomit every 30 minutes until he was vomiting bile. I called palliative care which we hadn't met yet as they were due for a home visit the following week. They advise to put dad back on the anti sickness medicine (which the oncologist department had told him to stop after seeing him two days prior).

So I put dad back on the anti sickness medicines, but he was even throwing that back up. With dad throwing up and mum in tears I felt totally helpless.

I eventually called 111 and spoke with a doctor who advised me to keep feeding dad sips of water with electrolytes which of course i didn't have at my parents, so instead fed dad sips of coconut water as we had plenty of that and that if he wasn't better by the morning to bring him into A&E. I had to keep dad hydrated so I stayed up that night with dad, cleaning his mouth and feeding him water every 30 minutes. Dad even said to me "Khenh... you need to go to sleep". My heart sank again, dad was in pain and he was worried about me not getting any sleep. The love he has for us, words cannot describe. I reassured dad that everything would be okay and the doctor said you may have a stomach bug. "Oh really??" with a warm smile on his face... "Maybe I ate the wrong thing?" Dad regained some hope.

By the morning Saturday 28th November 2020 he was still vomiting, it took some convincing to get dad to go to A&E. He was scared he would be in for another 4 weeks again. My eldest sister has a way with words and convinced dad that it was for the best so we took dad to A&E, maybe because she is a mother herself so has that maternal instinct. This time however they allowed someone to go in with dad, so my sister went in with dad. Dad ended up staying in hospital for a couple of days. They suspected it was because he was off the anti sickness medicine.

Dads last wishes: Monday 30th November 2020 dad was discharged, and we took dad home. Noticeably looking more frail and we all knew that it could be any day he would leave us even though the doctors said he could live between 6-8 months. When we got home, we took some family pictures, dad picked out his favourite hoodie and we took some family photos. If it weren't for my eldest sister we probably wouldn't have got dad to speak about his wishes. On this day dad told us he wishes for us to always be happy, to always be there for one another, to keep loving each other and to always work as a team and be a family .

Here's my niece comforting dad "everything's going to be OK grandad"

Week 6

Dad spent this week watching home videos and looking through family photo albums

We all spent a lot of time with dad since he was discharged. helping dad with his physio, staying up with dad watching home videos, our family felt closer and closer as we reminisced growing up.

Meeting Palliative care Wed 2nd December 2020. Alice explained her role which was specialized medical care that focuses on providing patients relief from pain and other symptoms of a serious illness, no matter the diagnosis or stage of disease. Palliative care teams aim to improve the quality of life for both patients and their families.

She had an interpreter on the phone in Cantonese, asking dad what would make him happy, if he had any questions. Dad didn't say much and with a croaky voice said "I just wants to get better".

Alice then said she would arrange for another visit in a few weeks time and she would bring along her Cantonese speaking colleague to help translate. We thought it would be good to let dad ask her questions in Cantonese without us in the room, in case there are things he may want to discuss without the presence of his family.

Old photo albums: Thu 3rd December 2020 I was working from my dads room, sat in the corner, my mum sitting on the armchair watching TV, when dad asked for all the photo albums. Feeling nostalgic he wanted to look through all our family albums. We must have had about 20 albums; my parents loved taking family photos.

As he looked through the photo albums at the photos of his younger days, again he asked me when is the TV arriving. He wanted to get my mum a TV as a gift so when he leaves us one day my mum would have a TV to keep her mind off things. I told dad the TV will be arriving on Monday.

Changing the light bulbs: Fri 4th December 2020 early in the morning as I walked passed dads room I noticed him sat up staring out the window. He called me in and asked me to change his light bulb to a brighter one. My brother said he will order one for the next day but my dad wanted it changed now! so we switched his bedroom light bulb with the hallway which was much brighter. My dad had been sleeping with the lights on since he was discharged from the hospital.

Dad spent most of the day in the living room downstairs watching TV, he was still able to move around freely. Her even spent some time searching through the TV cabinets- not sure what he was looking for though. But as he tried to get back up, he lost his footing and fell back onto the sofa, he was getting weaker.

Sat 5th December 2020 My nephew and I spent our morning with dad/grandad watching youtube. As a family we really did all get together to spend as much time with dad as possible. He was rarely alone in the room by himself. We just didn't want dad to feel lonely. It got harder and harder for us to keep our emotions in as he grew weaker and weaker. Dad had many friends so every evening he would be on the phone with friends talking and laughing.

Calling 999: Sunday 6th December 2020 I went back to my own home to pick up some things when I received a call from mum at 08:30am in the morning "dad has shortness of breath so I have given him his inhaler" but then an hour later it wasn't getting any better. I called my brother and in a panic he kept repeating "dad can't breathe, he said he can't breathe.." I tried to calm him down and guide him through what to do. "has dad taking his inhaler yet?" I calmly asked. "Yes.. yes" he replied. "Dad said he is in pain now.. he's in pain" my brother kept shouting. I needed everyone calm so I could assess the situation, was my dad breathing or not? and what kind of pain did he have? It turns out he was having difficulties breathing earlier on but now is having server chest pain. I tried to get my brother to give dad some morphine but because my dad had never needed the morphine before my brother was not sure how to give this to dad. My brother and mum were both in panic and it would take me at least an hour to get there so my brother called 999 at 9:30am and I called the palliative care team. As I was rushing out to get back to my parents, I called my younger sister to rush over. My sister was only a few minutes away and she arrived before the paramedics and she helped calm dad down. As the paramedics arrived at 09:45am, she put me on a video call with them as we talked through my dads condition.

They gave dad the morphine and said that it will help dads breathing under control. The paramedics asked me for his prognosis, which I told them was 6-8 months. I was shocked when they asked me "What would you like me to do today?", was they seriously asking me this question? they kept repeating that there is not much they can do and that it should be the palliative care team that should be looking after dad. I explained to them that dad had only just been diagnosed with cancer a month a go and has been in and out of hospital and hasn't even properly had a talk with palliative to make future care arrangements so I don't know what I should be doing. The paramedic was very sympathetic and called palliative care to update them.

They also advised that if dad ever didn't want to go into A&E again, that they could refer him to local hospices, specialised smaller hospitals to check his symptoms. They said its okay to give the morphine as its a light dose and cannot overdose on it even if full bottle was given. They tried to get dad to drink water to make sure dad could hold water down before leaving, but dad didn't want to drink, he was scared he wouldn't be able to hold it down and would have to go back to hospital but after some convincing dad drank some water and kept it down. They also said it was definitely the right thing to do, to call them, and that if this happens again to give dad the morphine or to call them and they would give dad the morphine if we were not comfortable to. They urged that we need to make arrangements with palliative care team soon. I spoke with palliative care after this and they said they will pay another home visit in a few days to discuss after realising dads health was deteriorating so quickly.

It must have been horrible for my family this morning not knowing what was happening or what to do. Who knows what was going through dads mind at the time.

Something supernatural that only dad could hear/see: The paramedics left at 10:20am and I arrived with my youngest sister at 12:35pm.

I go upstairs to check on dad "Hi dad, are you feeling better?" I ask. Dad looked at me and in a scared but confused look he said to me "Khenh, come here... can you hear that?" as I walk closer he keeps repeating "can you hear that sound?". I look around and listen out and ask dad "what sound?". He points at his knee "there's a sound coming from there" he whispers. Right now I am scared, is my dad seeing something supernatural? after looking around I noticed the TV was on low and figured he must be talking about the TV? so I replied "Dad, its the TV". "Oh isit?" dad replied. He had his eyes opened so did he lose his sight at that moment? could he not see the TV was on? I didn't want to panic so I put dad back to bed and I went back downstairs. It was likely the effects of the morphine.

Dad gets the chills: Dad comes downstairs at 1pm and wants to sit in the living room with the rest of us but we noticed he was sweating, and his skin was all clammy so we change his clothes and kept a towel close by to keep him dry. by 2pm his top was soaking with sweat again. so we change his top. It was likely the effects of the morphine that made him drowsy and now feeling feverish. I had a thermometer gun and was taking his temperature, but I was doubting the accuracy of it so I rushed to Tesco to buy an in ear thermometer. Thankfully dad was not burning up and his temperature was within the normal range and by 5pm he was feeling better and had some vegetable and chicken soup.

Back to normal: by 7pm dad was back to his cheery self, he had some rice pudding and was on the phone talking and laughing with friends again. He was full of energy.

Monday 7th December 2020

Waking up this morning not knowing that today would be the last day we spend with dad

It was 8:30am and I was making dad his usual breakfast smoothie but he was looking out of the window and didn't want to talk. He said he was feeling a shortness of breath again and asked for some morphine. I was getting that heart sunk feeling again, wondering if its time. My brother and mum came in and spent some time talking with dad.

At that moment the TVs had arrived and dad was eager to set the TVs up. he suddenly had a lot of energy. My brother and I helped to unbox the TVs. One Tv was to go into the room my dad was temporarily staying in and the other in my parents main bedroom. Dad spent the rest of the afternoon tuning his TV and changing the colour settings.

Catching dads invisible tears . During that afternoon I was sat in dads room working on my laptop when I caught my dad staring at me with a look I have never seen before. His eyes were telling me "He loves me and never wants to leave us". At that moment I held his hand and just prayed.

"My father is a good man, a good friend, a good husband, a good dad, a good grandad, he comes from a humble background but did his best to bring up this family. He has worked hard all his life and never complained, even now that he is dying he is not showing his pain and doesn't want to worry us. He is always the first to help others and I can only pray that he shall not suffer in his final days with us"

Dads last dying wish fulfilled It was 6:11pm and dad got up and went into the main bedroom to set up the TV. Finally mum gets the TV dad was waiting all this time for, and as dad was satisfied with the tuning, the colours, he lay down on the bed. I lay down next to him and we both watched TV together. We was watching a show about the best minced pies and I remember my dad kept wanting to switch the channel to watch something else.

That evening around 10pm we had to call 999 again, my dad was having breathing difficulties despite taking the morphine, when they arrived they increased the dose which helped bring his breathing back in control. my brother and I spoke to the paramedic in private and I asked her "I just want to know if these are signs of dying?" in which she replied "yes it is". She talked me through the signs and what to look out for, and kept reminding me that the hearing is the last sense to go. We went on to talk about her grandmother who had a brain cancer and was in constant pain for 2 years and it was hard on the family but it was hard to tell when they would leave us. Some have no pain and leave quickly, some have pain and live for years. Her advice was to keep doing what we are doing. She was impressed by our family unity and how much we stick around for each other.

We did a family video call that evening and talked for a bit and even did a group selfie through the video call, and one of my sister came over to spend time with dad.

We knew that it was nearly time, that it could be tonight that dad leaves us so we all stayed up that night.

Goodbye Dad: For dads safety we had cameras set up around the house so we could monitor dads whereabouts if we were not in the same room or if we were out. It must have been around 1:30am when we checked the camera and noticed dad had got up. He needed to use the bathroom. When he came back to the bedroom we noticed his skin colour had changed, jaundice, we knew it was time. He lay back down and we all sat around him. He was still very conscious and knew what was happening. Not long after, my fathers organs must have been shutting down as dad was talking to us, his skin colour then changed again and we woke mum up and dialed in my other sisters as we all stayed by his . I held onto dads hand and whispered "don't worry about us dad, don't be scared, you can leave in peace, we love you"

As dad was in his final moments I called 999 and as dad took his final breath the operator dispatched the paramedics and asked me to perform CPR.

Everything from then became a blur. Even though we were all prepared for this day, and there was probably no chance of reviving dad it did give me hope as I was performing CPR I was thinking "maybe this is Dads second chance?" The paramedics shortly arrived and took over but after trying for some time, Dad had already gone. They pronounced dad dead at 02:20am Tuesday 8th December 2020.

They put dad back into bed and I arranged for an undertaker to collect dad a couple of hours later so we could all spend a bit more time with dad. The undertakers arrived and were very respectful, as they took dad away a tear trickled down my cheek, "Goodbye Dad, I love you"

We didn't know what to do: From my dad being diagnosed to his death, we didn't have time to prepare for this even though we knew it would come one day. So we didn't know what to do when someone passes away. I came to learn the next day that if someone passes away in the home, you need to call your GP to come out and sign the medical certificate , if in hospital then a doctor would sign it. This is then used to register the death with the council they passed away in.

So of course I didn't have this medical certificate, all I had was the medical certificate of death from the head paramedic so this wasn't enough and the notes were sent to a coroner. The coroner would then check the notes and sign them off but if they felt the death was suspicious then they would perform an autopsy.

All was fine and the coroner signed off the paper work and next comes preparing the funeral which you can read here

Losing a loved one is always difficult, I always knew I loved my dad but I didn't realised how much until he got sick. I have so many happy memories with my family and I want to share them in this blog and about how I have been coping after losing dad. I turned to a vegan diet and started reading up more about Buddhism, Taoism, and just religion in general. Having a faith I find is helping me cope with the loss. I have so many questions, where life started and whats next?

When I look back, it starts to make sense why dad wanted to switch to brighter lights, and why he was trying to stay awake all those nights and keeping the TV on all night. Did he have a near death experience but held on? every time he felt it was time he kept asking me about the TV. It felt like he was holding on until he could gift my mum the TV.

As I walked back into my parents home, my dad was no longer there, his bed, his belongings, everything left out as he last used them. I felt a hole in my heart, Dad really has gone.

A.S.Do

7th Feb 1955 - 8th Dec 2020