When my mum unexpectedly passed away from covid-19, we had to make all the arrangements for the traditional Chinese funeral with Covid-19 as our obstacle.
With no parents to guide and support us, we battle through a number of emotions.
Monday 1st November 2021
It was 21:40 when my siblings and I sat around the hospital bed as my mum took her last breath... "she's gone now..." the doctor confirmed...
It was only a couple of days a go we spoke to mum, and she was in good health. Why, why did she leave us so quickly? We sat around mum in silence, in disbelief she has gone. I am secretly hoping she will take a gasp of air and wake up in front of us. Is mums soul around us looking down at herself on the hospital bed. "Mum are you here in the room with us? I say to myself in my head... "don't worry about us and go and find dad, we love you and we will look after one another"...
It was now 23:00 and I get up to go and speak to the doctor outside to ask what the next steps were. The doctor handed me a bereavement leaflet and told me to call the hospital bereavement team in the morning when they open at 8am and then will let me know on the next steps of obtaining the medical death certificate which will be needed by the undertakers and funeral home. They also mentioned that because mum passed away suddenly, that she may be referred to the coroner.
Still in disbelief but conscious of the time we had to get home to start making arrangements for the funeral. So we leave St Thomas hospital around 23:20.
Because mum passed away from Covid, there was a risk that my siblings and I could have caught it as we were in the hospital room with mum so I decided to isolate at my second youngest sisters flat for the time being as she lived alone.
We first made a stop back at my mums (our childhood home) and we tidied my mums room; furniture was tipped over to make space for the paramedics earlier that day. As we walk into the room, It hurt me to see how mum was living in her final days, she was self isolating in her room, she had two empty mugs and a half full mug on her table of ginger water, and an empty bowl from when she had congee for dinner the evening before. I couldn't help but think what were her final moments like before she lost conscious? You can read The Day I Lost My Mum here. This brings me back to when we lost dad, and walking back into his bedroom with all his belongings still in the last position he left them. You can read about My dads battle with cancer here.
We put the furniture back and put mums bedding into a large plastic bag and we leave around 00:42.
Chinese funeral customs
When my father passed away in December 2020, we were overwhelmed with the amount of Chinese customs,traditions and superstitions for a Chinese funeral so in March 2021 I created this website to outline all that was needed in a step to step guide on preparing for a Chinese funeral. Never did I know I will be referring back to my own website so soon.
We get back to my sisters flat and we put all of our clothes straight into the washing machine, we couldn't risk catching covid during this time as there was so much to prepare for the funeral.
We sat there reading my Chinese funeral post to remind us of what we needed to do.
We split out the tasks. My big sister lives in Leeds so she was tasked to purchase all the items needed for the coffin.
My youngest tasked with the admin work; to call the bereavement team, co-op funeral home and the cemetery.
My second youngest and I were to purchase all the items needed for the altar and rituals.
WEEK 1
Day 1 Tue 2/11/2021
10:00: my youngest sister speaks to Liz on the bereavement team who said she needs to speak to the hospitals medical team/examiner and confirm if mum will be referred to the coroner or not and asked if we were planning on a burial or cremation. We are planning on a burial, so Liz prepares the paper works and says she will call back later today.
11:56: my youngest sister and big sister speaks to my brother and tells him to not worry about the funeral arrangements and to focus on looking after the children and recovering himself; as he was still suffering the side effects of brain fog. He is at this point feeling lost; as we all are.
12:00: We decide on a picture to use for mums altar. My mum loved taking selfies and was never satisfied of the pictures we took of her so what better picture to use than one of her own selfies. So I order this to be printed and collected within an hour.
13:43: The medical examiner calls my youngest sister to confirm that they have finished with the examination and have concluded that the death was covid related and that a coroner will not be needed. They will be confirming the cause on the death certificate as "Covid-19 Pneumonitis"
14:17: My youngest sister calls Co-op and the central team took down the details and will get the Woolwich branch to call back.
14:29: Liz from the bereavement team call back to confirm she has sent the paperwork electronically to Lambeth registry. You have to register the death in the borough mum passed away in. St Thomas Hospital is in Lambeth council.
14:43: My youngest sister books a phone appointment for this Thursday 4th November 2021 to register mums death.
14:58: My youngest sister calls the cemetery but is told that they are not allowing new burials on the meadow (Hill top plot) This is where my dad is buried, and we would love to have mum buried here too. The reason they are not allowing new burials on the hill top is because this time of year it is too dangerous for the grave diggers to dig here.
16:47: Co-op funeral home call back to confirm that they have our details.
18:12: My second youngest sister and I have now finished buying all the bits for the altar and we set up the altar in the living room next to my dads altar.
Some of us were still self isolating from Covid-19
My brother, niece and nephew lived together with my mum at our childhood home; my brother and nephew had finished their self isolation but my niece still had 6 days to go.
In Chinese customs, we need to keep the incense burning until the funeral day but because my niece was still self isolating and my sister and I were still waiting to take a PCR test, we couldn't stay at our childhood house to watch the altar, so my brother had to keep the incense burning 24/7 and serve 3 meals a day for the next 6 days.
Choosing a burial plot
Our only option at this moment is to re-open my dads plot and have mums coffin buried on top or to open a new plot at the bottom part of the cemetery meaning that she won't be next to my dad.
Chinese love to be buried on a hill top with good feng shui and this is where my dad is buried but because of the time of year this option was not available. We did manage to get a hill top plot this time last year for Dad because that winter 2020 we had a dry winter meaning it was safe to dig. But unfortunately this winter 2021 has been fairly wet.
We religiously search the internet in both English and Chinese to research if having coffins buried on top of one another is frowned upon. We speak to various family elders.
21:17: After a lot of research my aunt (dads sister) calls me and confirms that "NO" we cannot. There is a saying in Chinese "Seeing the bottom of the coffin" which is a bad omen and is believed that this will be bad for the deceased buried underneath in this case would be my dad if we buried mum on top. My aunt also asks if we are planning on doing a Chinese funeral in which I replied "Yes", it wasn't even a question we had to ask ourselves. So she sent me the Taoist/Chinese priests number. (The same one we used for my dads funeral)
So re-opening dads plot is out of the question, so we ask my youngest sister to call back the cemetery in the morning and ask if we can have a new Cremation plot up on the hill.
22:01: We get our big sister to send us a recording in her best Cantonese so that we can send the the Chinese priest.
We managed to tick off a lot on our to-do list by the end of this day with most of the admin work complete, the altar set up, confirming the coffin contents and ordering items needed. Getting our PCR tests done. My big sister confirmed with her in laws that the coffin contents are pretty much the same as what we needed for dads, with a few differences when it comes to females and males which you can read about here.
Day 2 Wed 3/11/2021
Feeling that I let my parents down. That I could have done more to look after them... I lose my appetite
08:00: I woke up from a strange dream which I will write about in another post. When my dad passed away I had a lot of dreams where I felt like I was dying. My body was falling, and my soul was leaving the body but I felt at peace. But in the dreams I always knew what was happening and I forced myself to go back into my body and wake up.
So I had one of these dreams last night and as I wake up in a quiet room, my sister still asleep in her bed across the room I lay there for the next couple of hours with tears running down my face. It is sinking in... my mum is not coming back. I will no longer be able to talk, laugh, hug my mum again. I feel bad and guilty at myself for not calling my mum the day before she passed away. We all felt guilty. I felt like I let my dad down, couldn't keep my promise to him to look after mum. I usually speak to mum everyday why did I not call her on Sunday?
I keep thinking I could have done more... or could I? is your fate sealed once you get Covid?
10:00: Feeling angry at Covid we call the medical examiner at St Thomas Hospital, London. We wanted questions answered. How did mum pass away when she was double vaccinated and was showing non life threatening symptons day 1-7. The medical examiner explained mums case is known as a breakthrough case and explained that many double vaccinated have been absolutely fine for the first 7 days and then get really sick on day 8 which is what happened with mum. She kept avoiding my question about whether your fate is sealed once you get Covid. I wanted to know if we had admitted mum to hospital earlier, if she would still be alive with us today. The examiner admitted that they are still learning about Covid and they don't fully understand it yet.
10:54: My youngest sister calls the cemetery and they confirm that they can have a new opening on the meadow/hill for cremation.urns. But still a NO to new burials. We confirm with the older generation that the Chinese are okay with cremations as we didn't want to upset anyone.
We check mums last sent messages and voice notes to better understand her last moments when she was conscious. Did she lose consciousness in her sleep?
13:33: We took mums phone from her bedroom when we set up the altar yesterday. Feeling really nervous we started to check her last messages to try and understand her final days and moments. Mum uses Wechat, and sends a lot of voice notes instead of typing. The day before she passed away she sent a voice clip to my great aunt at 15:47 and sounded fine. But by 19:21 she sent another voice message to her friend and said "I'm not feeling well, my throat hurts so I don't want to talk too much, I'm going to lay down and sleep it off". That was her last message, 18 hours before mum was found unconscious.
We haven't found any signs of mum attempting to call for help from her phone and we feel slightly at ease at the thought that maybe mum lost consciousness in her sleep.
We continue to check my mums WeChat at earlier messages she sent that week, worried that maybe she was feeling unwell but didn't want to worry us. But she was telling the truth when she told us she was fine. She even assured her friends that covid was okay, that she was feeling fine.
17:55: I speak to my mums younger brother, my kofu who lives in London also. He had been trying to call me since my mums passing but I had been too busy to answer. He was working when I tried to call him from the hospital so that he could say farewell so he was devastated and really upset he didn't pick up that evening. We grew up with my kofu so we are really close. He agrees that a cremation is fine and that ultimately its up to us children what we decide to do. He is desperately wanting to visit our family home to pay his respects at my mums altar but due to my niece self isolating he is having to wait.
I also speak to my aunt (dads sister in London) and she agrees cremation is fine.
So that was decided. Mum will have a cremation and be buried next to my dad up on the Hill meadow.
21:00: I speak to my kofu in Vancouver (my mums brother) and he is worried about us, he told us to not worry so much about the traditions, and how we should adapt to the modern world.
I am grateful that there are 5 of us brother and sisters, that during this difficult time we are there for one another. I lost my appetite but my sister will remind me to eat and even cook for me. Being the eldest sister in London (as our big sis is in Leeds) I felt like I have to be strong to keep the family together as we still have so much to prepare for the funeral. There is no time to mourn or grieve just yet.
Day 3 Thu 4/11/2021
Still feeling that mum would prefer a burial to a cremation, we decide to visit the cemetery office in person to try our chances
10:03: Mums death has now been registered with Lambeth council and have sent the electronic version to the funeral home.
12:15: My second youngest sister and I visit the funeral home to check if mum could have a burial or if she had to have a cremation due to Covid-19. She confirmed that there are currently no restrictions, that mum could be buried or cremated. So we book in an appointment for Monday 8th 12pm to complete the paperwork. The lady who dealt with us during dads funeral care; Amy was really efficient. But she has now moved to a different apartment so with the new lady taking over, we had already experienced delays in replying to emails and never picking up our calls. At this moment we are just hoping all goes well and she doesn't miss anything out with the funeral arrangements.
13:30: My sister and I visit the cemetery and we head to the office to ask about the plots.
Nicole at the office explained that because of the weather that no new burials are allowed up on the meadow and that they could allow for new cremation plots or the re-opening on my dads plot. Nicole was very empathetic and asked if there was a reason why we didn't want to re-open dads plot. We explained that this is frowned upon in our culture and that mum would have wanted a burial and be next to dad and with them passing away so closely together that this is all we could do for them now. Is to let them rest side by side.
Feeling desperate I asked her "Can you ask your grave diggers again, we can work around their schedule, maybe that can check the weather forecast for when we have a dry spell maybe we can open a new plot then?" She went back in to speak to her manager.
My sister and I standing outside in silence waiting, I was preparing for her to come out of the office with bad news, I am now prepared to get a spade and dig the grave myself if they let me. I also had a thought that if they could dig a new plot for an Urn, why can't they dig for a new burial, as we don't need a deep plot as we would never use it for two coffins.
Nicole came out and said "I have spoken to my boss and we CAN open a new burial plot for 1 coffin deep only" My sister and I instantly said "YES, THANK YOU!" we couldn't thank her enough. She explained that I should send them an email to confirm that I agree with the one coffin depth arrangement. As soon as she turned around to head back into the office my sister and I gave each other a big hug and we called my sisters to let them know of the good news. My sister and I then spent the next 30 mins visiting dads grave.
We get the new burial plot next to dad and I am desperately wanting to visit our family home to light incense for mum but my niece still has 3 more days of self isolation.
16:17: We still don't hear back from the Taoist priest so I give him a call. He is in shock as he had only spoken to my mum a few weeks a go to make arrangements for my dads ascension to our ancestral altar as it was approaching my dads 1 year death anniversary. He explained that because mum has now passed away that we should wait another year and ascend mum and dad together. I confirm my mums Lunar calendar birth date, Chinese name and the death date and time so he could refer to the Chinese almanac for an auspicious date for the funeral which is Friday 26th November 2021.
18:00: My Canada Kofu calls again and he is over the moon to hear mum can have a burial. He also said that if we hadn't already made arrangements with the Taoist priest to just have a simple western funeral, and to not worry about the traditions as he thinks it will be too much pressure for us. But I assured him we are okay. He tells me that he is proud of us and that mum would be happy whatever we do. He tells me that he grew up with my mum and even though hes now in Canada that he misses her everyday still.
21:00: I send the cemetery an email to confirm the one coffin deep plot and ask if they have Friday 26th November 2021 free. I also copy in the funeral home to also check this date so they can officially book the date.
Day 4 Fri 5/11/2021
Funeral booked for Friday 26th November 2021
09:11: Mums official time of death is 23:38 on the death certificate as this was the time the doctors officially checked mum and recorded her death. So we called the Taoist priest and he explained that it would mean that in the Lunar calendar 23:00 is considered midnight. He said this doesn't change the funeral date, only the 7 day rituals we will be doing.
10:46: The cemetery replies to confirm that the time and date is available and that they will provisional book the date but will need the funeral home to confirm to make it official. So my sister and I go to the funeral home to get things moving.
I go back to my home in South London in the evening.
Day 5 Sat 6/11/2021
I spend this day packing my suitcase preparing for my 100 day stay at our family home as my lungs begin to start feeling tight
My brother has now spent 4 whole days lighting incense for my mum at her altar, preparing 3 meals a day for mums altar as well as looking after his children. I can see he is struggling as he is still suffering brain fog and a cough from Covid-19, he is feeling scared and lonely.
Today is a hard day to push through as we are all alone.
My second youngest sister and I both tested negative in our PCRs but my Lungs have been feeling tight for a few weeks now, I think its a change of weather or maybe its my asthma. I start to get worried and now more than ever I do not want to get sick. I am feel anxious and nervous about going back to the family home not knowing if any Covid-19 Virus is lingering around.
Day 6 Sun 7/11/2021
When a person dies, they report to they have to go through the 10 courts of hell which you can read about here. Today is the first court mum will be reporting to.
The 1st 7th (首七/頭七)
I meet my two younger sisters at our childhood home in the early afternoon to prepare for
my mums first 7th day ritual. We had prepared tickets to the afterlife, joss money, paper bank cards, paper clothing, paper accessories, paper passport and other paper offerings; ipad, iphone, charger, headphones, watch and designer bag. When mum was alive she was always on her phone, so we made sure to give her a mobile phone to use in the afterlife.
Most of these paper items can be purchased in Asian supermarkets. You can also make these yourself. My youngest sister made the iphone, tablet, phone accessories, watch and bag.
Today being the first ritual, we prepare a simple meal which consists of 3 bowls of boiled rice, with 3 chopsticks, and 3 small plates of sliced ginger and some salt. The first meal should be simple.
To guide mum home, we line up potato stands outside our front door and light up a bunch of incense sticks and as we place each stick one by one in the potato stand we call mum to come home "Mum, today is the first 7th, come back to have a meal", we put the last remaining 3 incense sticks into mums altar incense pot where we have the simple meal.
As the 2 red candles on the altar nearly finish burning we start to burn all the paper offerings.
As we finish the rituals, my two sisters go back to their homes, and tonight I start staying at the family home to pay my filial piety.
I remember the first 7th day ritual for my dads death, 4 siblings and my mum together. But tonight, I wait for mum alone. I lay down on the sofa looking through photos of mum and dad, when I hear the plastic bottle next to my dads altar pop. It startles me as I jump up. "Dad? mum?...is that you?" I looked at the time and it was exactly 23:38 the time of my mums certified death.
We keep the incense coils burning and these burn for about 24 hours, but I felt like this was cheating and the fact that the incense coils burns on its own stand and not in my mums pot. So I also burn the single stick incense which burns for about 40-45 minutes. I later come to learn from the Taoist priest that its fine to use the coils, and that as long as the incense is burning around the pot. But I still continue to burn individual incense. I want to pay my filial piety and build merits for mum for when she is being judged by the kings in the afterlife.
WEEK 2
Day 7 Mon 8/11/2021
As my niece clears her 10 days self isolation, my youngest sister tests POSITIVE for Covid-19 so well take another PCR.
11:00: My youngest sister tests positive on the lateral flow test for Covid-19. Scared, angry, confused by the results we insist our big sister cancels her plan to come down to London this weekend. At this moment we are praying that no more of us get sick, there's just so much more we need to do before the funeral that we can't afford to get sick right now.
11:30: I meet my second youngest sister in Greenwich and we head to the funeral home in Woolwich. As we walk through the door into the office and go through the paper work and arrangements, all seems too familiar to us; we didn't expect to be back here so soon. Everything we arranged for mum to be exactly how we arranged it for dad.
Mum has not been picked up by the funeral home yet and we are worried her body may start to deteriorate or bloat, as we noticed mum had started to swell when we last saw her at the hospital. Without mums body in the funeral homes care, we are unable to decide on mums dress size for the new outfit we need to purchase her.
Scared and paranoid I tried to limit leaving the living room and survived on eating nuts, seeds and vegan baps.
Its so cold right now, I am using the balcony as my fridge to store my food items. I know my brother and the kids are clear of Covid-19 but I am worried I may potentially have Covid and pass it onto others. If I get sick then this leaves only my second youngest sister to complete the funeral arrangements here in London. I wish my big sister (Leeds) was here right now. She always gives us comfort and all the support we need.
My uncle calls again and I tell him to wait until Wednesday to visit, this will give it an extra 3 days after my nieces self isolation had finished.
Work has been very understanding but I decide that I should go back to work. so I start going back to work this afternoon. I work from home, and this gives me some distraction during the day time as I change the incense every 40 minutes. I feel that I can't grieve and mourn properly until my mum is laid to rest. I need to keep moving...
22:27: I finally get a chance to send everyone an update and thats today's tasks checked off.
Day 8 Tue 9/11/2021
With less than 3 hours sleep I start off the day with my lateral flow test, I always feel anxious as I wait for the results. Today will be the first day I spend the full day attending the altar. If it wasn't for work to keep me distracted, I don't know how I would cope. With my niece and nephew at school and my brother (a driving instructor) back at work it is really lonely to be in the home by myself. How did my brother attend the altar on week 1 by himself with none of us around? It's beginning to hit me.
By the afternoon I get my PCR results back from the test I did yesterday and results show I am "Negative" from Covid-19.
Checking in on my youngest sister, she also gets her PCR results back showing herself and one of her daughters as positive and my brother in law and the youngest daughter negative. I can tell her world turned upside down. we all know Covd-19 is deadly but you don't realise just HOW deadly it is until it kills someone close to you. We start reading up about how COVID-19 attacks and we all decide to buy an oximeter.
When my dad passed away I contacted all of his contacts to let them know of his passing and I knew that I would have to eventually contact my mums friends. so my sisters and I wrote something up in English, Chinese and sent to my friend to translate to Vietnamese. Without my siblings around, I can't find the strength to send out this message to my mums friends just yet.
Day 9 Wed 10/11/2021
We start to receive flowers and today my uncle visits.
It was very emotional as soon as he walks in he cries out loud uncontrollably, his big sister who he spent his entire life with has left this world. I can't help but cry as well. It was a very emotional scene. He manages to control his emotions and lights an incense for mum and then one for dad. He then lights one each on behalf of my other uncles in Canada. We spend the next couple of hours talking about the funeral arrangements. A lot of relatives have been unable to contact me and my siblings so have contacted my uncle in order to pass on their condolences and offerings.
Day 10 Thu 11/11/2021
My oximeter arrives. We now all have an oximeter but we wished that we had this for my mum, maybe she would still be here if we could measure her oxygen levels :(
We still don't have confirmation that mums body has been collected from the hospital and this is causing us a lot of stress as we can't purchase mums outfit without knowing mums size. The funeral home Woolwich branch are not answering calls or emails. So my big sister sends a concern email to the head office. Within hours I get a reply to my email, and a call from the branch manager from her personal phone number. Lets just hope its smooth sailing from here. By the late afternoon they confirmed mums body is now in their care and that they will take mums measurements in the morning.
Still very paranoid about catching Covid-19 I make a late night Amazon fresh order for Dettol sprays and wipes.
Day 11 Fri 12/11/2021
My Dettol order arrives in the morning and I start spraying down everything.
My big sister today had her eye test and a eye scan at her opticians as she has been experiencing constant flashing at the top of her eye for 3 weeks now. We are all worried as her opticians say they have found a dent in the eye and have referred her to the hospital for a proper scan. Right now I am feeling really down. I am praying it is nothing serious. I feel like my world has turned upside down with one bad news after another. I light mum and dad an incense and pray they look after my big and youngest sister right now.
With mums measurements confirmed, coffin ordered. We can now look for mums new outfit.
We were told to purchase stretchy items of clothing for better fit and a size up. What they do if the item doesn't fit properly is they actually cut the item of clothing from behind and then pin it back.
Today I pluck up the courage to message all my mums contacts. I'm still not mentally prepared to listen to the replies so I put mums phone down as soon as I finish sending out the messages.
Day 12 Sat 13/11/2021
Today I meet my second youngest sister at Westfield Shopping Centre in Stratford to purchase mums new outfit. Mum had a particular style and as we shopped around for hours and leaving each shop disappointed we began losing hope that we'd be able to find an outfit today. We finally find a dress of her style.
My big sister had her scan at the hospital today and told her that for now its nothing to worry about and should heal itself within 3 months but has booked my sister in for another check up in a months time to see if there has been some improvement.
With no more than 3-4 hours sleep everyday this week my body started to get used to it. But I have lost 2kg body weight. However I am really looking forward to tomorrow when my second youngest sister starts staying over at our family home.
Day 13 Sun 14/11/2021
The 2nd 7th (二七)
Before mum reports to the second court of hell, we prepare a meal and offerings to help her along her way.
Today only the 3 of us performing the ritual but we dial in my other two sisters so they can take part over the phone. The first ritual last week was a simple meal, but today we have to serve meat sprinkled with some salt on top.
My second youngest sister made this lovely paper house for mum to use in the afterlife. It comes with a car and chauffeur, and a personal treasure chest for mum to store her valuables.
WEEK 3
Day 14 Mon 15/11/2021
In Chinese belief systems, women are not supposed to touch sacred statues, make offerings, or pray to sacred statues on their menstrual cycle.
Today I start my menstrual cycle, this means I cannot touch the altar. What great timing with my sister now staying over she can attend to the altar table.
With my brother now fully recovered from his brain fog post Covid-19 he was also able to do shifts with my sister. My sister decides that she would sleep from 8am-2am where my brother would light the incense, and then she would light the incense from 2am until the morning.
With my sister now here with me we start listening/reading replies on mums phone and start to send some replies. The majority had already heard of the sad news from our uncles.
We listen to a voice clip from our great uncle from Chicago; he told us how he used to carry mum on his shoulders when she was a little girl... it was heart warming to hear these stories and memories of mum through others.
Day 15 Tue 16/11/2021
My youngest sister had prepared 4 orange sheets and one white sheet which our brother in law drops off the satin sheets and a walking stick at our family home this morning. The white sheet my brother would later use to line the coffin representing my brother laying the bed sheet for my mum. Then each daughter to lay the orange sheet on top of mum representing each of us tucking mum into bed.
Today is my sisters day 8 of self isolation. My brother was admitted into hospital on day 8 of his, and mum passed away on day 8 of hers.. I am feeling scared. Constantly checking up on my little sister praying she will be okay.
Day 16 Wed 17/11/2021
My sister and I take the outfit to the funeral home where they check for sizing. They confirmed all fits so we take the items back home as we now need to mark all new items with an incense so that mum receives these in her afterlife. We also needed to cut holes in all the pockets. This stops bad ghosts from stealing from mum.
The funeral home also confirmed they put the gold coin (£1) into my mums mouth. The coin is used to pay for the ferry crossing to the afterlife.
My kofu visits, and he tells us stories of when he first visited my dads home time when he was just a boy at age 8, my parents had just gotten married and it was the first time my kofu got to try ice lolly. Listening to him tell us his stories with a smile, it made us happy.
Day 17 Thu 18/11/2021
With the clothes prepared I drop these items off at the funeral home.
My best friend and some of my closest friends visited today to pay their respects to mum. This touched my heart. My mum always knew that these girls are good girls and would be happy to know that I have such good friends around me.
Day 18 Fri 19/11/2021
We purchase the remaining items needed for the funeral day
Day 19 Sat 20/11/2021
We get a knock at the door, an elderly lady and man walks through and lights an incense for mum. "Are you great uncle?" I ask... in which he replies "Yes... you still remember me?"
I haven't seen my great uncle in about 25 years but i still remember his tall slim build. He tells us how he used to look after and play with my mum when she was still a kid. I instantly feel that warm family bond/connection with them. He already knows the date of the funeral before I say anything he tells us he will come over to the house to help with the cooking the day before and the funeral day. My eyes light up and I am so relieved he is coming to help. Last year we had my mum helping out with the cooking so we were a little stressed on who we should ask to help with cooking this time.
My aunt, uncle (dads younger brother) and cousins also pay their respects today. My aunt breaks down and this sets me off too.
Today my big sister arrives from Leeds. How happy we are to see her! Our big sister is here!!
We spend the evening packing some of mums clothes and accessories to be put into her
coffin.
Day 20 Sun 21/11/2021
The 3rd 7th (三七)
As I hold onto the handles of mums favourite Louis Vuitton bag I felt close to mum again. I don't want to let go.
10:32: We all got into my brothers car and make our way to the funeral home. I hold onto Mums two favourite bags knowing that this is the last time I'd see these two bags. I remember going to LV with mum to get the bag after she liked my monogram version. The coach bag was a gift from my uncle, her brother when she visited him in Vancouver. As I hold onto the handles I felt close to mum again. I don't want to let go.
We arrive at 11am and we prepare the coffin, my brother lays down the white sheet and we exit the room. The next time we enter the room we will see mum.
As we walk back into the room, we all see mum for the first time after she passed away. There was a moment of silence as we all look at mum, I can't explain the feeling; I felt sad, hurt, that laying their was our mum. She shouldn't be there! she should be alive and well with us!
My big sister broke down and I am 100% sure we were all feeling the same way. We started to fill the coffin with my mums belongings. This had to be an odd number of items the Chinese elders told us.
We put on mums glasses, the rings and earrings and as my sisters were putting the remaining items into mums coffin I paint on mums favourite nail polish onto mums finger nails and did mums make up. As I was putting on mums lipstick I thought to myself "I've never done mums make up before, this is the first time... and sadly the last time"
After we glammed mum up ready for mum to see dad in the afterlife we light incense and pay our respects with 3 big bows, where you put your two hands out in front and bow to the floor three times. we stayed until about 13:30
Today with all 5 siblings together we hold the 3rd ritual for mum before she attends her 3rd court.
WEEK 4
Day 21 Mon 22/11/2021
With the funeral fast approaching, I feel that everything is happening too fast. The thought that life will resume and go back to normal after the funeral scares me. I can't explain but I want to feel this grief forever... Its all the unexpressed love I didn't get to tell my parents
As my big sister left to go back up to Leeds, I felt sad. It was nice having her around the last couple of days. I can't wait to see her again. During the last few weeks since my mums passing, I have felt closer than ever to my family; siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles.
Day 22 Tue 23/11/2021
Feeling anxious with a couple days to go we continue to take our lateral flow tests. I notice my younger sister has a few grey strands of hair.
Day 23 Wed 24/11/2021
After learning so much from my kofu about my mums family history, my sister and I hurry and order our DNA kits... we wonder if we have more family we don't know about.
My kofu visits, and he tells us stories of when he first visited my dads home time when he was just a boy at age 8, my parents got married and it was the first time my kofu got to try ice lolly. Listening to him tell us his stories with a smile, it made us happy. My kofu went on to tell us about the Hoang/Huangs ancestral temple (Cítáng/祠堂) in China, which holds all the genealogy books of all the Hoangs in my kofu/mums bloodline (zúpǔ/族譜). My kofu holds a copy of the genealogy book and promises to bring it over next time so we can make a digital copy as he fears the next generation will no longer continue the book.
Since losing both my parents, I lost my sense of purpose in life, not knowing what I will do next, I now feel I have found my new purpose. I would love to find out more about both mum and dads family history and visit both ancestral temples if they both still exist. I want to learn more about our ancestors and continue the traditions by making everything digital and more readily available for the new generation.
My second youngest sister and I order our DNA kits this very evening.
Day 24 Thur 25/11/2021
Two Taoist priests arrive and prepare the items needed for the pre-funeral rituals.
My aunt and great uncle prepare the food needed for the ritual which we are so grateful for.
As soon as the sky got dark, 5 of us siblings had to kneel on the floor whilst the priests sang and read out their prayers and chants.
They had to invite and borrow powers from the gods and three Buddhas and then invite mum back to the house.
Outside on the balcony they set up a little canopy with black cloth and put mums altar inside, and put incense outside the front door like we do when we do the rituals every 7th day. We then had to burn joss paper to call mum back. The canopy acted like a changing room, for when mum returned, we burn a paper outfit for mum to change into.
My brother then had to use a wet flannel to wipe mums photo on the altar, representing giving mum a wash/bath. I found this ritual really sweet. My mum loved to dress up so being able to do this ritual felt that much more meaningful.
The ritual ended with each of us siblings dividing a plate of chicken and rice to share between us siblings and with mum. The chicken and rice we shared with mum goes into a clay pot that we later bury with mum.
Day 25 Fri 26/11/2021
Funeral Day
As we all leave the chapel room and I close the door behind me I turn back and look at the closed door... I reach out and touch the door... "Goodbye Mum... I Love you..."
I lay on the sofa by mum and dads altar wishing they were both still here with me. The candle burning left a shape like angel wings... I slept about an hour. It was time to lay mum to rest.
The Taoist priest performed some more rituals at the family home, in which he made special talismans , stuck onto the coffin and stuck on all rooms of our house and on the coffin to guard from evil spirits.
We all held onto the hearse as the hearse moved forward and backwards slowly three times to separate mums spirit from the living world. We then followed the hearse behind to the cemetery where we laid mum to rest next to dads grave.
At the cemetery, we provide blessed pomelo leaf water for all to wash and clean their hands. We then go back to the family home and leap over a fire pit to rid of any bad energy and wash our hands again in the blessed pomelo leaf water.
We prepare food for everyone and after everyone leaves we go back to the cemetery to visit mum again as instructed by the Taoist priest.
As we finish the offerings at the grave, the rainbow appears. The exact thing happened on dads funeral day earlier this year.
But this time a triple rainbow.. A sign from mum and dad and Geoffrey our family cat telling us they have moved onto the next stage of their journey...
Not realising how exhausted I am, running on fumes I sleep for 13hours straight ...
Nothing is greater than a mothers love... how am I going to live with you no longer by my side... I do not know. The only comfort I can find is knowing you and Dad are together again xxx
Read about my thoughts, feelings, emotions during the 100 days of mourning here
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